world cup fever..........why I don't have it

I've gotten some flack recently regarding my inability to get too excited about world cup soccer. I understand that this is a global event, but I still can't bring myself to buy into much of the hype. I'm probably sounding like a snobby American sports fan who has no true understanding of "futball," but I'm here to present my case anyway.

Top Ten Reasons I can't bring myself to watch the World Cup.

1. It's too Boring. GOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL is screamed so loudly and demonstratively because it happens (hopefully) like once a game. I don't mind watching the highlights, but it's not good when you can cover the highlights of a three hour game in 9 seconds on sportscenter



2. TIES. I understand their is a point system in the early rounds and eventually teams will have to win, but I can't stomach a sporting event that ends in a 0-0 tie. Ties are for Dad's on Fathers day, not sports


3. David Beckham-----Maybe I'm just jealous of his perfect hair and accent, but no one should get paid that much money at his age to play soccer when your hurt every other game. Stick to modeling underwear.


4. USA kinda stinks----- If soccer really mattered in the states, we would be dominating these little countries like we did w the dream team in the olympics!!! How can we be underdogs to a country the size of connecticut?


5. There aren't any cheerleaders------- why? Because the chant would have to go something like ....."1-2-3-4, hope its not a zero zero score" and that's just not very catchy.


6. There isn't enough of this----------- groin kick then face kick combo's. We should all be practicing this.




7. Wimbledon is on so soccer is dead to me.


8. It will lose all hype as soon as world cup is over----Unlike other countries, we don't get into soccer here. Every single person on the U.S world cup team will go back to being completely nameless and faceless and you will have to subscribe to ESPN Deportes 47 to ever see another game. I relate it to Michael Phelps, Everyone was crazy for him during the olympics, how often have you watched swimming since?


9. This doesn't happen at least once a game-----If it did, I would be a huge fan. Who says headbutting is only for professional wrestling?



10. last but not least, soccer is irrelevant because it doesn't somehow tie in with where Lebron James is going to play next season. Honestly, if this is supposed to be a worldwide event, they need to find some way at halftime to bring lebron out wearing a crown, air jordans, and a robe covering the jersey of his next team. He should ride into the stadium on a South African Lion named Izzo that can also ice skate and roar classical music. That would bring some huge ratings, especially if Izzo was paid by the knicks to bite Lebron, who then grabs Izzo by the beard like David the shepherd boy, and socks him in the face. Lebron breaks his shooting hand on the lions jaw, and ends up staying in cleveland, but as a veterinarian and animal rights activist instead of a basket ball player. That would put soccer on the map, I'm just saying.

There you have it, feel free to disagree if you'd like, this is America after all, and you have the right to be wrong.