top ten worst halloween handouts

I remember as a kid, there were a few houses known for putting the ween in halloween. (I have no idea what that means, but it's supposed to be good.) It was the house that every t and t er (you catchin my oct. 31 lingo here?) got super pumped about because you knew that the goodies were gonna be flowin like the salmon of capistrano.

Then there were the other dreaded houses that although they had the light on, you knew that they were notorious for BUNK treats that scared children far worse than any werewolf or vampire.

Here is my own personal top ten list of worst halloween handouts.

10. cleveland cavaliers Lebron James jersey's---Yes I realize you can't eat these, but I had to throw it in their anyway. Probably because they are the most useless item on the planet right now and the only way to even give them away would be to sneak them in the unsuspecting bucket of a defenseless child.

9. dum dum suckers.---what is this, the bank? dum dums are the saddest excuse for suckers and look like someone spent two hours licking a real sucker, and then wrapped it back up. They shouldn't even be classified as loli-pops and I can only imagine the crestfallen face of tricker treaters as you smile and pretend that you actually gave them real candy.

8. a penny---seriously, we had a lady (big red house on wa****lsh street) who handed out pennies. I realize they are technically legal tender for all debts private or public, but at least take into account inflation and bump it up every year. I can't even buy a dum dum for a penny.

7. little star mint thingies-----You know what i'm talking about right? Those red and white star mints wrapped in plastic that look like they belong in a mens room urinal? Newsflash--no tricker treater is worried about their breath and nobody wants you or loves you red and white mint. You are worthless and now that I think about it, you may actually belong lower on this list than dum dums.


6. apples--yes this sort of tragedy does happen. Am I also the only one who heard the same story every year about some kid who got an apple on halloween, cut it down the middle and smoke/mist/poison leaked out? It was like a modern day sleeping beauty. I could barely eat apple pie without lifting the crust up after that. Here's a halloween hint, don't hand out fruit, of any kind. Anytime I got an apple it hit the road before the next house.

5. mystery round candy wrapped in that all orange wrapper----I think they were meant to taste like peanut butter, but they were more like chewy turds.

4. mystery candy wrapped in that all black wrapper.---This is the evil brother of the orange wrapper candy and way more sinister. It made the orange turd candy taste like a king size snickers. I think the main ingredient was cod liver oil and I would throw them away before they got in the wrong hands and someone used them to cast an evil spell or something.

3. smarties--possibly the worst candy every. Whoever named them smarties should have licked more dum dums. Half the time they would open themselves or split down the middle and spill all over anyway. My daughter is a sugarholic and even she thinks smarties are terrible.

2. toothpaste, toothbrushes, or dental floss---come on people. It's candy night, not push your cavity creep agenda night. If you want to opt out, its cool, just turn your light off and no one will judge you. Being a halloween hater is unacceptable.

1. Anything homemade---This is up there with handing out pecans or walnuts you gathered from your lawn. That popcorn ball my have been made by your sweet grandmother, or maybe Freddy Krueger. No child should take that risk. Instant trash status.


Did I miss any? Aren't you glad you didn't grow up in my neighborhood? =)